Knocked Down and Get Up Again

May 19, 2022 Post a Comment

Driving home from my Mon night workout class about a month ago my friend and fellow work-out partner asked me that dreaded question, the one I was hoping no one would enquire me for a while – so, how much have you lost? F*ck. I hadn't really lost anything. When people told me they could notice a difference I knew they were only being squeamish. I knew information technology considering I hadn't really done anything substantial. Aye I know, lilliputian things start to add together up and the petty changes we've been making are substantial. But I hadn't quite started putting them all together plenty that I'd notice it where I desire to the about, the scale.

I should probably showtime that part of this journey, I thought to myself. Okay, I'm ready. Deep breaths. Hee hee hoo. I think I've honestly put off starting the bodily weight loss function of this because once I started, in one case I announced it to the earth, I wouldn't exist able to quit. I wouldn't be able to have a bad week or be seen in the McDonald'southward bulldoze-thru without someone noticing me. They'd know I was cheating. "They" being anybody who is so busy with their own lives that they don't actually care, but in my mind are watching my every motility, and worse, judging me. Once I started losing weight I would have to do the one thing that I fearfulness the most, face up the possibility that I might fail. And fail in front end of and so many people. Regardless I thought it was time.

Queue meal prep. Queue daily workouts and daily weigh-ins. Okay, I got this.

Fast forward a week from my friend smacking me in the face with reality and I lost 10lbs. Become me! I posted it to Instagram to share with my family, friends & followers. The praises flooded in.

"Manner to go Dee!"
"Such an accomplishment! Manner to go lady!"
"Proud of you."

Ugh, that give-and-take. Proud. Having people be "proud" of me, meant I was only opening myself up to disappoint them.

So naturally, I did what anyone else who lost their initial 10 pounds would do. I crumbled nether pressure level and stopped doing annihilation all together. That'due south a normal thing to do correct? Haha, f*ck. If y'all're new to my web log this isn't my first gear up back. It surely won't be my final. Come across, when y'all're an Feet Girl who also suffers from depression, and I am wholeheartedly an AG*, nil is piece of cake.

Nothing for me is as simple as "only do it" or "hustle" or "go it done." These ironically cover the core values of my job, sh*t. (Though I'm always better at doing them for others, but not then much myself.) And permit me exist really clear hither. It's not because I'm lazy or unwilling to put in the effort. Information technology'south certainly not because I don't "desire it bad enough." I want this[weight loss, happiness, liberty] more than I've e'er wanted anything. And then what gives?

Anyone who lives with anxiety & depression, and I know some of you reading this practice, knows that the smallest (and I mean tiny, microscopic even) matter can derail you. It can pitter-patter into your mind and instantly spread like a virus. Fifty-fifty worse, it tin manifest itself into a physical form. Many people who've never had feet or depression and/or known someone who lives with one or the other, don't realize that while they are both an illness of the mind, they are as much concrete as mental, if not more then.

My anxiety surfaces when I least wait it. It'due south that unwelcome friend or family member who shows up unannounced, makes a mess (depression), overstays their welcome and and so says something rude on their way out. (And no I'thousand not passively aggressively referencing anyone currently in my life, lol)

Even writing nearly it has me feeling like my chest might explode. So what am I learning? That's it's okay. Information technology's okay to not be okay. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be okay. But I'm striving to be a whole lot improve.

So that's where I've been. Lost in my listen. Doubting myself. Feeling physically ill that I'g constantly back at the beginning. The usual. Simply I'chiliad all the same here. I'm however fighting. If you lot're thinking this process is slow AF information technology's because it is. But it doesn't hateful I'm done, not nearly.

Y'all are never going to keep me downward.

❤

…

Championship Lyrics – "I Get Knocked Down" by Chumbawumba